On Death

As a child growing up in a country without adequate healthcare, I am no stranger to death. As a future physician, I will surely see plenty in my career. As we grow, we learn that almost nothing in life is certain. What makes death such a difficult concept to get over is that it is one of the few things in life that IS certain, it is inextricably linked to life, it signifies the end. And everyone has an end.

In the past year, those who are closest to me have painfully lost loved ones in unfathomable ways. Today, it occurred once again, without warning, in the most senseless way possible. I thought it would be easier to deal with this time, but it doesn't. There is no amount of reasoning that can ameliorate the pain and suffering of an individual. For us humans, what's harder than losing the love of your life, is never finding out why it happened, and why it happened to you.

 Most of us understand what death is, in a grand scheme of things it is a necessary part of life. As the late Steve Jobs said, it clears out the old and make way for the new. It is the harsh evolutionary truth of life. As humans, we stand on the side of a seemingly losing battle against laws of physics and thermodynamics and it's tendency to break us down. We all die in the end, but it is innately human of us to want to preserve those we hold dear to us. When they go, we lose a part of ourselves that we will never get back. What do we say to those who have lost a loved one? Even if you remind them of the truth to the cycle of life and death. It does nothing to heal them. They will need to find the hope to continue living, and they can only do that by themselves.

Planning for Independence

So I think, after I start working for a few months. I'm going to move out closer to the campus. Because:

1. I can focus on my work, I don't have to call to tell people whether I'm going to be late for dinner or whatever, that doesn't seem like a hard thing to do, but it bothers me a lot for some reason. I'll get off when I want to! I don't have a wife yet, why do I have to live like I do?

2. I will have my own place, which means more freedom, people can come and go without parental surveillance.

3. Learn to be independent, I can start to earn my own money and transfer all my expenses from my parents to myself gradually.

4. More freedom, I can't stress this enough.

5. Apartments 5 minutes away from the campus can be found for $450-$550 a month with everything included except electricity. Which is pretty manageable according to my calculations. I will be subtracting the 300 dollars a month gas bill from living at home into my own place. so... price of freedom for around $250 - $300 a month? Hella worth it.

Inevitably there will be a huge argument with the rents. "You are so stupid, blah blah yada yada..." I'm already mentally prepared.

Start Living

I think in order for anyone to start living the life they want, they have to first take a long hard look at themselves and make an honest evaluation of who they are, and who they are not. Sometimes it's the hardest to see your own flaws, but if you don't acknowledge it and keep on living the same way, those flaws will hold you back again and again. It look several self evaluations for me to even begin to realize some of the things I wasn't doing right or wasn't thinking about in the right direction. When I saw some of my potential flaws, I began to do something about it to improve in that area and see how my interactions with the real world changes.

The first thing I tried to changed about myself is also the most important. That is my attitude towards life. I've seen and faced a my share of difficulties in my life, and I will admit it gave me a pessimistic outlook on life. For years I've been conditioned to think that life just inherently sucks, and maybe magically one day I will just get out of this phase and be happier. But as I'm finding out, things don't work that way. Things don't get better just randomly, you literally have to change something about yourself in order for your life to change. Your negativity will just attract more negative things towards you, and then you get caught in that vicious cycle, and the idea that maybe this is just how life works. NO, it doesn't have to be this way. After a few months of soul searching and meeting unexpected mentors, I forced myself to make changes, starting with being more positive. After a month of doing so, not only am I happier as a person, I'm starting to see the improvements in life happening slowly as well. I no longer feel vulnerable to the potential of pain in the choices I make, I feel confident that no matter what I do, I will learn from the lesson and live the rest of my life with no regrets. It's easy to have a great attitude when things are going your way, but things won't always be smooth. In the end, we are happy only if we have an unbelievable attitude that allows us to hold our heads high in the darkest of times. My attitude and hard work now can determine whether I will have the ability to hop onto that last minute weekend vacation to Italy, or work in a dead-end 9-5 job until I'm 65 and dead.

I want to have the ability to heal people, how can I do that if I myself am not emotionally mature? I want to travel the world, eat all kinds of food, experience all kinds of cultures, make people laugh, be able to love someone, and have someone love me back. All those things won't occur unless I keep improving myself as a person. Having worked at advertising and sales, and talking to thousands of people in the past 2 weeks. I'm beginning to pick out those who are happy and successful and others who are broke and miserable. I've never met a successful person who doesn't have that glow of positivity. They all have faced enormous challenges and held through with incredible attitude and perseverance. Whether it was for a dream job, or financial freedom, they had the goal and vision in their head, and the mentality to follow through. When everyone else thought it would be possible but difficult, they were the ones who thought it would difficult, but possible.

Be Better

Three things that keeps me going:

1. Memories
2. Goals
3. The ability to get up no matter how hard I get knocked down.

Real Talk

Finished my first day of real work in months. I am tired and groggy, being in the house with family just amplifies my bad mood for reasons I don't want to get into. I actually didn't prepare to going out into the field today, but overall it went pretty well. I've always been a better worker than a student, which is why I think I would make a better surgeon than a physician, but I digress.

Reality did hit me hard as I had to overcome my fears of approaching strangers and engaging in a conversation with them, convincing them of doing something that would benefit me financially, well them too, but mainly me. I had to pull out all my conversational techniques: baiting, asking questions, pretending to be interested in their problems, and controlling the conversation. These aspects were always hard for me as I've always had a more laid back approach to life, friends, and career. This does help me tremendously though, especially for future interviews. I actually didn't do too bad today, maybe it was beginner's luck, but after fucking up a bunch of conversations, I got the hang of things, at the end of the day I made enough to earn my keep.

For a start up branch of a national company, there are a few competitive people I am working with, some had their own businesses, some are conversational gurus, some are so smart that they just tested out of high school within 4 months. As an MCDB/Neuroscience major, I have no business skills whatsoever, I don't even know why they hired me to be honest, but I got my foot in the door, might as well take advantage of the situation. knowing that I might be leaving eventually for medical school is not going to stop me from doing my best, it doesn't matter who my competition is, I am striving for the top as fast as I can, I've set my goals, - become supervisor within 2 weeks, assistant manager within 4 months, and manager by the time I get to medical school. If all my goals are realized, then I would be one of the few people idiotic enough to leave a job that pays 6 figures to destroy my brain and spirit for the next 4 years.

The best part is, I would do it all without regret. To prove to myself that I can do it, and to prove to my parents that what they think is a good life isn't always what's right. They have done their part to raise me, but this is America, I make my own life.

Take a step back, the world if yours

Some things just cannot be forced. As much as we want it to work out, we just have to learn to let it go, and trust that you are meant for something greater.

Some hardships are worth enduring, but I've learned to pick my battles. The universe has a better plan for me, and all things considered, we are far too young at this age to settle down for anything other than the pursuit of our dreams. Like Jobs said, "don't let the voice of others drown out your own. You somehow already know what you want to become."

Lately I've learned to take control of my situation. Instead of feeling like I don't belong anywhere as a Chinese American who came here at the age of 10, I see that the great benefit about not being completely American or completely Chinese is that I can be volatile in both.

Forrest Fire

Just when you think you couldn't be at a lower place in life, the ground breaks once again, sucking you down to a newer, deeper bottom. I am witnessing everything in my life begin to crumple away. It hurts, and I feel lost as to who I am and what my purpose is in this world. People always say reality hits you like a brick, I just didn't think it could sting so much. But no matter how many times I am struck down, I will get up again. I will rebuild everything around me, this time with better materials and stronger foundation. Right now my world is burning to the ground, like a forrest fire, swift and unforgiving, but soon the phoenix will rise from the ashes. For now I have to endure.

Grow Up

I am not afraid to do what is necessary to reach my goals anymore. The only people that you can truly count on are the ones that still remain standing after the test of time and pain.

I'm not gonna get screwed over by anyone. All is fair in love and warfare.

Rant 4

It has come to my attention that a lot of feminists are often too naive in their cause. Many so called bra burners are fed up with all the expectations placed on females, and the unequal treatment between women and men. I understand the need for equality on subjects such as rights and salary. However, everything comes with a price, women can have everything a man has, but every joy also comes with a burden. For fun, I'm listing some of the expectations of an ideal man in our society.

The saying goes that the hardest thing to be in this world is a good man, I am slowly beginning to understand why. Traditionally, the ideal man is marked by:

- Protector of his loved ones
- Destroyer of his enemies
- Alpha male
- Good physique at any age
- Look good, but never better than the woman
- Always faithful
- Be able to give top sexual performance anytime a woman wants it, but only when she wants it.
- Nice but not too nice.
- quiet and strong, but openly communicate with the woman about anything.
- Be romantic like in romantic comedies but still manly
- Puts his family first, and also have a respectable career.
- Fix the house during days off.
- Pay the bills, open doors, pull out chairs, surprise his loved one, take her shopping, remember all important dates
- Intelligent, witty, funny, sexy, charming, charismatic, ambitious, courageous.
- Basically, be like twilight dudes, but instead of being jobless, shirtless, forest lovers, the ideal man needs to have power and wealth in the real world.

This is not nearly the entire list, just some things I came up with off the top of my head. I know I exaggerated some parts, but my dear feminists it's really not easy living up to the ideal standards of anyone. I have long accepted members of the opposite sex for who they are. I for one, know that I can't live up to all the marks of the ideal man, but damn it I try a little harder everyday because I want to be a better person. We live in this world starring ourselves, I don't want to live in a romantic comedy starring matthew McConaughey, or in the feminist world where we dont have these personal ideals to strive towards. You live for yourself and those you care about, society has plenty of good moral goals that we can pursue, women don't all have to look like Barbies or expected to fuck like porn stars, but some do, those ideals shouldn't bother you if it's not something you want to pursue. So please, say how much you hate men by all means, but you can do more if you live by the ideals you want to strive towards, it will be a bigger personal reward than merely blasting your contempt for society. We know the world is unjust, we all live in it.

On another note, on the journey to becoming a better man. It isn't until I've made the sacrifices that I realize how much of myself had to be torn down and reconstructed in order to fit another person into my life. But knowing it's what I want, the change has been less painful than expected. I feel like a piece of marble slowly being chiseled away into a vague figure of a man, with every chip leaving a sting and a lesson. I will endure the pain, swallow my pride and hope the end result will be worth it all. Suddenly I have so much more respect for successful fathers and husbands in the world, this is not an easy thing to do.

P.S. I support educated feminists, not those who want all the benefits of being a male and none of the labor.

Valoel

I still can't shake the melancholic feeling from the tragedy yesterday, Aaron's brother Lance passed away unexpectedly, What a nightmarish 24 hours it must have been for the Merrics. Even though I've only seen Lance once in my life, that memory will linger for years to come. I can't attest to who he was or what he meant to people, but I should thank him for reminding me how lucky I am to have a supporting family and friends who are there for me. We often take the things we have for granted, but really, what is more valuable in this world than having a wholesome family and ones who love you unconditionally? May you finally find peace within, and rest in a happier place.