Perchance to Dream

Thinking back to my childhood days, I was surprisingly optimistic for the environment I was in. My innocent view of the world reassured to me that everything in life would work out simply because I exist, and if something bad happened, mommy and daddy would just fix it. That mentality didn't change quick enough. I realized too late that my direction and success in life is solely based on what I do. My parents don't have the ability to help me, my friends are all trying to get their own lives going, and the school could care less about what I'm doing after getting my diploma, as long as they get their money, as evident by how useless counselors have been in all of my college career. I want to be young again, I would trade in all my freedoms for a few moments of security, when I can be assured that nothing I do would have long term consequences.

I used to day dream a lot when I was little, about everything. I used to sit in those classes with 40+ kids and listen to my boring Chinese language teacher blab about her awesomeness, while dreaming about the KFC meal I had over the weekend. After that, I day dream about kissing the prettiest girl in class (I was like 8, so it was PG). Good times... In all reality, I actually lived in fear back then, I would be scared of getting a bad grade on anything, scared of going home because that meant 5+ hours of homework, scared of a possible beating from a frustrated mom. But The funny thing is, when I think about the past, all I could think about were the good things, my trips to grandma's, playing with friends, and eating delicious food (KFC!) all the pain and suffering are dulled in comparison.

But when I think about the past few years, I can't say I have the same feeling. Throughout my years in college, people change, friendships form and break, relationships come and go. College is a spinning cycle of chaos, it is truly where people find themselves, but also where many lose their way. I walked into it alone and blind-folded, and I think in a few months, I'm going to come out alone, but with a clearer vision of the reality. I understand that I am responsible for myself, and for my family's hopes in me. Is this part of growing up? Taking on responsibilities and initiative for your own life, it is strange not having anyone there to guide you, because at this point, everyone should lead their own life. Sometimes the pain of growing up becomes unbearable, and I just want to go back to the start and dream again.

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
- William Shakespeare; Hamlet