I Can't Sleep

After drowning myself in a whole day of movies and mindless gaming, I find myself writing this blog at 12:36 in the morning because I can't sleep.

When you shut off your brain, you feel yourself falling out of the fabric of reality. As everyone else moves around doing their stuff, you feel like you are still, watching them go about their business in blurry fluidity. I feel useless, I can't sleep.

It's no longer the result of a single event, but a whole series of things that were piled together like dynamite and then ignited in a closed door because I was busy. All these things that I needed to think about were the fires that I kept behind that door for so long, starving them of oxygen. Now that school's out, and I have freetime, that door has been opened and I stand in the way of the backdraft. I feel the searing burns and I can't sleep.

I can't sleep because I feel alone, and I know I always put myself in that situation. I don't know why I keep hurting myself, keep hurting others, are my feelings really that important? I can't seem to find what I need, and when I do, it somehow always slips away from me. This brings me back to the question I've asked myself for so long, are we humans fundamentally alone?

4.30 A.M, I'm awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

- Can't Sleep (Above and Beyond)

It's raining outside, I haven't listened to the rain in a long time...